Lessons in learning to like fish: part 2

SOME people MAY assume that a recipe of mine containing crab might contain me squealing ‘I GOT CRABS!’ in an over-excited, childish manner.

They would be right.

I GOT CRABS!

*titter giggle*

I’ve also got the second stage in trying to like fish.

This basically involved adding so much to the fish, it no longer actually tasted much of fish.

AWESOME.

And also delicious.

And well, the only other fishy thing I have taught myself to like thus far has been a posh fish finger from M&S.

If I’m honest, that wouldn’t make much of a blog.

So give it a go. Its tasty stuff!

Line up your ingredients: a tin of crabmeat (GET YOUR CRABS), some fish sauce, a potato, a lemon, a chilli, some garlic, ginger and coriander.

You will also need oil and a smidgen of flour.

I thought I’d give your imagination a workout.

Peel and quarter the potato.

Cook it up. Cook it up GOOD.

Or, until its tender.

You choose.

While the tater is doing its thang, peel and grate the garlic and ginger.

And finely chop the chilli.

Mix these in a bowl with the zest of a lemon, and the coriander all chopped up.

No, I didn’t do a lemon OR a coriander picture.

Imagination Workout.

Remember?

It’s like a public service I offer here.

Sheesh.

Drain the crabmeat so its super dry.

As in, all the liquid has gone, not that its wearing one of those coats that every spide and their mother seem to possess.

That only makes sense if you are from Northern Ireland.

The rest of you can concentrate on GETTING YOUR CRABS READY.

*giggle*

Dump your crabs into a bowl.

I’m trying to think of jokes.

I can’t.

Throw the potatoes into the spicy crab.

You know, running out of jokes is probably a Very Good Thing.

Add the fish sauce.

Crabs. Fishy sauce.

It’s like being a teenager over again.

Mash the whole lot up as best you can.

Pretend the mix is me, making dodgy, inappropriate, STI-related ‘jokes’.

It might help to agitate your mashing.

Form into little BALLS.

Fishy balls? Crabs?

I DO NOT NEED JOKES. THEY ARE ALREADY MADE.

Flour the balls a bit.

And then fry them up in some oil.

No photos of oil, either.

Imagination. Workout. Remember?

When they are nice and brown, flip over.

Cut the lemon you zested earlier into wedges.

And serve with the fishcakes. I drizzled sweet chilli sauce over the top, and served with plain rice and stir-fried greens.

Tasty!

MRS P HAS CRABS Spicy crabcakes
Serves 2. Cooking time 20-30 minutes.

1 tin crabmeat
200g potato
1 garlic clove
1cm piece ginger
1 red chilli
1 lemon
1 tbsp fish sauce
1 tbsp plain flour
Vegetable oil, for frying
2 tbsp sweet chilli sauce, to serve (optional)

1. Peel and chop the potato into small pieces.
2. Cook the potato until tender.
3. While the potato cooks, peel and grate the ginger and garlic into a bowl.
4. Finely chop the chilli and coriander.
5. Zest the lemon, and combine in a bowl with the ginger, garlic, ginger and corainder.
6. drain the crabmeat and add to the spices.
7. Add the potato, mashing well.
8. Shape the mixture into small cakes, dusting with flour.
9. Heat the oil, and fry the crabcakes for 2-3 minutes each side, until brown.
10., Serve, with lemon wedges and chilli sauce.

I watch a film, I make a dinner out of it.

I can be SO smug sometimes. Like, srsly, I take the moral high-ground faster than you switch between screens when your boss walks past your desk.

And, we all know, that is FAST. And a bit panicky.

One of the things I am rushing to get in the speedy boarding section to morality is with advertising.

I pretend like it doesn’t matter to me.

I have discovered this week that while direct advertising might not work, the subliminal stuff in films really, really speaks volumes.

Especially when its food, obviously.

After watching Napoleon Dynamite, I spent about 3 days Google searching Tater Tots.

I’m still not sure what they are, but one of these days, I’ll get me to America, and I’ll eat me some Tater Tots.

After a particular episode of Sex and the City, I was so overcome with desire for a blue popsicle I MADE MY OWN.

Like some kind of TOTAL MENTALIST.

Blame The Mothership.

She didn’t much care for blue food. So I never had any as a child.

She might be on to something.

And then, last week, I watched Julie and Julia for the first time. Yes GASP! SHOCK! HORROR! SEND THE FOOD BLOG POLICE OUT!

Pretty much as soon as it started I was in floods of tears.

Food obsessive? Check.

Call centre? Check.

Slightly narcissistic? Check.

It rung so true I forced Mr. P to watch it three days later.

And he nudged me, and said ‘Sarah, what drink did I mix you last night?’

The answer was a gimlet.

‘And what about dinner the other day?’

‘Erm……”

That dinner was these Bruschetta.

Totally and utterly, shamelessly, inspired by Julie Powell.

And made a bit spicy by me.

I really hope she isn’t a pretentious foodie type, because this is as far away from authentic bruschetta as you get.

Ruddy lovely though. Call it a ‘topped toast’ if it makes you feel better.

The ingredients: tomatoes, a part-baked baguette, fish sauce, olive oil, sugar, garlic, ginger, fresh coriander, lemon and onion.

Put the sugar in a bowl.

Squeeze in the lemon. Lime would be good to, but lemons are always flying around our house, so lemon it was.

Except it wasn’t literally flying, merely resting in a fruit bowl.

Chop the onion finely and add it to the mix.

Grate in the ginger and garlic.

And add a finely chopped red chilli. I de-seeded for this, but you could be a crazy person who likes to blow their head off at every opportunity, so I’ll leave that decision to you.

Then chop the tomato. You want it kind of chunky.

You know those ‘plain English’ campaigns banks have? Where they write in easy to understand language?

This website doesn’t meet those high standards.

So kind of chunky will have to do.

Size of marshmallows is what I’m saying, OK?

Put that in the bowl, along with some freshly chopped fresh coriander that is fresh from the window box of freshness.

Or Marks & Sparks.

You decide.

Slice the bread thickly.

heat some oil in a pan. I really don’t know why I bothered specifying Olive Oil. I think I’ve butchered the bruschetta idea way beyond recognition, so any old oil would do.

And then fry the bread slices in the oil until crispy and delicious.

Top the fried rounds with the tomato mix.

And grill for a few minutes, just until the tomatoes go a bit mushy.

Plain English, you say?

Serve, with a nice salad.

And a gimlet, obviously.

Spicy bruschetta
Serves 2 as a light lunch. Cooking time 20 minutes.

1 part-baked baguette
400g tomatoes
1 red chilli
1 lemon
2 cloves garlic
1 inch ginger
1 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp fish sauce
80g fresh coriander
1 onion
2 tbsp olive oil

1.Chop the tomatoes into large chunks, peel and grate the ginger and garlic, finely chop the onion, de-seeded chilli and coriander.
2.Mix in a bowl with the sugar, fish sauce and juice of the lemon.
3.Slice the bread into thick rounds.
4.Heat the oil in a frying pan.
5.Fry the bread slices in the oil until brown and crispy.
6.Remove bread from pan, place on a baking sheet and top with the tomato mix.
7.Place under a hot grill for 5 minutes, until the tomatoes are soft.
8.Serve.

Simple AND spicy. Score!

I think I established a very long time ago that I’m not really a ‘proper’ foodie.

I mean, the salt I’m using at the minute isn’t even from the Himalayas or anything.

It is from France.

But even that is only because I liked the packaging. And everybody knows Maldon is just fine.

I mean, this week, I ate practically an entire packet of SHOP BOUGHT BUNS.

Not even buns that are hard to make at home.

I JUST COULD NOT BE BOTHERED.

GASP! SHOCK!* HORROR!

(*Pre-proof reading, this read SOCK. I’m still laughing inside.)

And on Tuesday, I brought an old chum to Made in Belfast and ATE CHICKEN AND CHIPS AND GRAVY.

Bloody gorgeous it was too.

PHONE THE FOOD POLICE!

This recipe is for all of us who succumb to shop-bought buns and chicken and chips and gravy and who sometimes buy ingredients merely because we like the packaging,

This recipe is for those of us who come home knackered, feeling a bit stabby at the FOOLS who phone us in work, who just want dinner.

This recipe is for those of us in a rush somewhere, for the times when we really want dinner on the table in a hurry.

I mean, this recipe is practically a recipe for empowerment.

OK, not really.

What it is though, is a recipe for quesadillas.

Well, maybe not actual quesadillas, but a little pink version thereof. Something that is quick and easy and can be rustled up when you get home from work in no time at all.

Fantastic.

For pudding, may I suggest a shop bought bun

First up, the ingredients: tortillas, a chicken breast, a cob of corn, a lemon, some mozzarella, cumin, spring onions, dried coriander, salt, pepper, and oil. There is also some fresh coriander here, it’s just that you can’t see it.

It is SO there, though.

Take the chicken breast, and remove the wee ‘flap’. Keep it, it’s delicious, but cutting it off makes the next step easier.

That next step would be cutting the chicken through the middle, but not all the way, so you can sort of open it up, like a book.

Really handy if griddling chicken, because it takes half the time to cook.

Also, if using a boring breast, it means there is a greater surface area to cover with tasty and delicious things.

Marvellous.

The chicken then goes into a bag with some oil and chilli sauce. You could chop a fresh chilli, but this was a sort of storecupboard supper, and I didn’t have any.

I also think the sauce makes for a better marinade.

More…..saucy….

MAN I have a way with words.

then add the dried spices, some salt and pepper, and the zest of the lemon.

Then, zip up the bag and squish it about so that all the chicken is covered in marinade.

I’m clearly going for technical descriptions with this one.

Set the bag to one side, and heat up a griddle pan.

Open all the windows in your kitchen, too. These griddled things are SMOKIN’,

Just sayin’.

Look at me, and my tex-mex cuisine, and I think I can just drop my ‘g’s.

I’m quite the rebel.

Griddle the chicken for a few minutes on either side, so its nice and brown and crispy.

I am impatient, and turn it too early, so will never achieve pretty lines.

I’m fine with that.

Once the chicken is cooked, set it on a plate to cool.

Shuck the corn.

This basically means taking off all the leaves and stuff, but it is one of my favourite phrases in the cookery world.

I don’t know why.

I love it,

When corn isn’t in season, a few tablespoons of the frozen/tinned stuff will suffice, even if we don’t get to talk about shucking it.

After the corn is shucked (YES. I SAID IT AGAIN. ITS MY FAVOURITE. SUE ME.), cut the kernels off using a sharp knife.

If you do this over a bowl, it stops the corn going ALL OVER THE RUDDY KITCHEN.

Ahem.

Voice of experience, that’s all I’m sayin’.

Chop the spring onions.

Yes, mine are a bit mucky. Occupational hazard of the smug, middle-class, organic lifestyle, I guess.

And then chop the mozzarella. Any melty cheese is fine, but Mr P, while being the least fussy person I know, isn’t big on cheese, and mozzarella is SO much nicer than that mild cheddar guff the supermarkets sell.

Also, it means you get a stringy dinner. Score.

Chop up the chicken.

And a couple of handfuls of fresh coriander.

Add this all to the bowl with the corn.

And mix it well, adding salt, pepper, and the juice from the lemon you squeezed earlier.

Lime would be nice, and more authentic, but I got a glut of lemons in the fruit and veg box, so I went with the lemon thing. If using limes, you might need two.

If you like spice, put a bit more chilli sauce on the tortilla.

I was going to write a message to you all on this one, but:

1. I am lazy.
2. It would have resulted in really hot bites then not spicy bites, like dinner roulette.
3. It was a quick dinner, roulette was a bit beyond me.

Then place this tortilla on a frying pan over a lowish heat, and top with the filling.

Not too much filling, because you do have to flip the thing.

Again, with the voice of experience.

Then top this with another tortilla.

Keep the heat fairly low, because you want the cheese to go all melty. This method means the tortillas go all crunchy and delicious, too.

When you peek a look at the bottom and see that it is lovely and brown, flip the thing.

Just do it with confidence, and it will happen.

Promise.

Be timid, and there will be sweetcorn in your hair.

Voice of experience.

Remember?

Cut into wedges to serve.

I did mine with a simple guacamole and a tomato salad.

I think I’m eating as many tomatoes as I can while they are still in season.

Mr P probably has a blog entitled ‘not another sodding tomato salad’.

S’ok, will be over soon.

Untill next summer,

Mwahahaha.

Enjoy!

Chicken and sweetcorn
Serves 2-3. Cooking time 20 minutes.

4 tortillas
1 chicken breast
2 tbsp oil
2 tbsp hot chilli sauce
1 tsp salt
1 tsp dried coriander
1 tsp dried cumin
1 lemon or 2 limes
1 cob corn
1 bunch spring onions
1 handful fresh coriander
Few grinds of pepper
250g cheese of your choice

1. Cut the chicken almost in half, though the middle, but not the whole way.
2. Put in a sandwich bag with the dried coriander, cumin, oil, chilli sauce, the zest of the lemon or limes, and half the salt.
3. Squish it all together, so the chicken is coated.
4. Heat a griddle pan and cook the chicken for 3-5 minutes each side.
5. Place the chicken on a plate to cool.
6. Shuck the corn, and scrape the kernels into a bowl.
7. Chop the spring onion, chicken and cheese, fresh coriander, and add to the bowl with the other half of the salt.
8. Mix well.
9. Spread two of the tortillas with chilli sauce, and place one of these in a heated frying pan.
10. Top with a layer of the filling, and another tortilla.
11. When brown underneath, flip the tortilla.
12. When cooked both sides, slide onto a plate.
13. Repeat with the other tortillas.
14. Cut into wedges and serve.