I’m kind of a big deal

I used to work in a coffee shop once. It was in The Country. People in The Country have this amazing habit of ordering main courses as a sort of side dish. Especially sausages, for some unbeknown reason.

‘I’ll have lasagna, chips, oooh and a nice wee sausage on the side.”

Or “a cheese and ham toastie…and a sausage.”

I’m sure it makes sense in their wee country heads. Somehow. I’m not exactly sure HOW, but it makes sense.

This recipe isn’t about sausages, but it is a dish, that, in my humble opinion, is far too often relegated to be a side dish, an afterthought, which IS VERY WRONG INDEED. I mean, my recipe involves CHEESE and BACON and WINE and ALL MANNER OF DELICIOUS THINGS, so SHOULD NOT BE RELEGATED TO THE SIDE.

*and breathe*

Take your ingredients: lardons (I initially typed ‘bacons’, which made me giggle a little, so I thought I’d share. Bet you’re pleased, right?), milk, cheese (I used Gruyère), mustard and cauliflower.

Start by grating the cheese. I wasn’t going to bother with a picture, but it’s been a while since this lady has been out, so here she is, in all her demonic glory.

Melt the butter in a pan…

Add the bacon…

Actually add the suggested amount of bacon, and then A BIT MORE, because, here, we have the quite wonderful combination of butter and bacon, and well, if you don’t sample that when cooking, you are a greater man than I (or perhaps a slightly lesser man, because then you are not carrying around all that extra lard in your BMI).

While that is doing its thing, dice up the onion…

And then add to the bacon bits.

Separate out the cauliflower into florets…

And put on to steam for a little while.

Once the bacon is crispy, stir in the flour…

And once all the flour has been incorporated into a thick paste, add some wine…

Some mustard…

And, erm, the other stuff I forgot to photograph individually.

Whisk, like Raymond Blanc on speed, till the whole lot is nice and smooth…

And then stir in the cooked cauliflower.

Now, the mixture before you (once transferred to a dish), will be good enough to eat at this stage, but there is one way to improve this beauty a bit more.

More cheese. Sprinkle liberally over the top…

And then place under a hot grill until brown and crispy.

Serve with a green salad, and some crusty bread.

NOT a lasagna.

Cauliflower cheese
Serves 2. Cooking time 30 minutes.

50g butter
100g bacon
1 onion
1/2 cauliflower
2 tbsp flour
100g cheese
200ml milk
1 tsp mustard
50ml white wine

1. Grate the cheese.
2. Melt the butter over a medium heat.
3. Dice the bacon, if necessary. Add to the butter.
4. Dice the onion, and add to the bacon bits and butter.
5. Separate out the cauliflower florets, and steam for about 4 minutes, or until tender.
6. Add the flour to the bacon and onion and stir until all the flour is incorporated.
7. Add the wine, stirring well.
8. Add the mustard, milk, and 100g of the cheese.
9. Whisk well until smooth.
10. Stir in the cooked cauliflower and transfer to an ovenproof dish.
11. Sprinkle over the remaining cheese, and place under a hot grill until brown and crispy, about 5 minutes.
12. Serve.

A not-so-romantic brunch

If I were a proper lifestyle food writer type, one with swishy hair and perfect eyeliner and a pink smeg, I would be dedicating this post to lurrrrrrveeeeeeers everywhere. Because we all know, in food writer land, the only way to cook pancakes is to prepare them for that man in your life, smiling coyly in a see-through nightie while a persian cat sits decoratively at your feet.

Unfortunately, I cook these pancakes as a hangover cure, where the only eyeliner available is last nights, the nightie probably has egg on and the cat is farting on the sofa. Still, even in this state cooking some bacon on the side, and brewing some coffee, means slowly, the world returns to right. EVERYBODY knows bacon and coffee cure EVERYTHING (except the farting cat).

And while I may not balance my wares on a decorative tray to totter upstairs to our floaty white bed of dreams, pancakes will ALWAYS buy me Mr. P’s love, even with if I have egg on my nightie. So there.

Take the ingredients Line ‘em up. Self-raising flour, eggs, butter, milk, caster sugar.

Put the flour and sugar into a bowl. Rue the harsh morning sunlight ruining photos. Realise you are too lazy to do anything about it.

Separate the egg. Realise this is a very hard thing to take pictures of.

Throw the yolks in with your dry ingredients. Realise there is a bit of white in there too. Realise that white is in bowl, and not, for example, on nightie. Or 5D for that matter. Celebrate.

Add milk to the bowl with the dry, yolk-y mix. Consider processing photos light is so bad. Realise you are too lazy. Move on.

Beat the eggs whites, until stiff peaks form. Chortle at how rude they look (and sound). Attempt non-rude picture, realise is not going to happen. Move on.

Fold egg whites into the mixture…

…until nice and combined.

Then, melt a lump of butter in a frying pan. Realise artificial light makes for a warmer looking picture. Smile.

Then, stir the butter into your pancake mix, sitting in its harsh spring light.

Fry spoonfuls of the mix until bubble form on one side….

Before flipping over. You can make the pancakes as big or as little as you want, but tablespoon blobs of mixture works best for me. Also, it usually takes me one or two test pancakes at the start to get them to brown evenly. This suits me fine, because it gives me something to gnaw on in my hungover state while I contemplate quite how much wine was consumed the night before. Too much is usually the answer, just in case you were wondering.

Put the finished cakes onto a heated plate, and serve immediately, with bacon and maple syrup.

Pancakes
Serves 3-4, depending on size of hangover. Cooking time about 20 minutes.

300g self-raising flour
100g sugar
2 eggs
200ml milk
1 tsp butter

1. Place the flour and sugar in a bowl.
2. Separate the eggs and add the yolks to the flour mix along with the milk. Stir well.
3. Whisk the egg whites until stiff peaks form, and fold into the mixture.
4. Melt the butter in a frying pan over a medium heat. Coat the bottom of the pan, then stir remaining butter into batter mix.
5. Fry spoonfuls of batter for 2-4 minutes until bubble form on the surface, before flipping and cooking for a further 2-3 minutes.
6. Transfer to a warm plate and serve.