Dear Mr Mark, or Mr Spencer, or Kirsty in customer services, or whoever reads this thing.
I am not much in the way of contacting companies, really. I use to work for a call centre, and believe me when I tell you I dealt with quite enough stupid questions and inane complaints to ever save me the desire of wanting to come up with my own.
However, on Christmas morning this year, Santa Claus (actually my little sister, but Santa makes it sound more fun), presented me with a small golden tin of joy and wonder.
Actually, I tell a lie.
On Christmas morning it wasn’t a tin of joy and wonder to me.
On Christmas morning, to me, it was a small golden tin of afterthought.
‘Where are the salted caramels?’ said I.
I mean, she could have at least got me a novelty perspex shape containing jelly sweets.
Or even just some Percy Pigs.
I’m easily pleased that way.
But no, she decided to get me a bloody golden tin full of rubbish, boring, grown-up chocolate.
It didn’t even contain any booze.
And so I rebelled against the rubbish, boring, grown-up chocolate.
And it is only now I discover that this chocolate is perhaps the most delicious I have tasted.
‘Chunky, chewy chocolate’ I believe the small golden tin of joy and wonder claimed to be.
It has macadamia nuts, and caramel, and sea salt and a tiny little mouth orgasm in every bite and SO much more than just ‘chunky, chewy chocolate’.
So, Mr Mark, or Mr Spencer, or Kirsty in customer services, for the love of Colin the caterpillar, please tell me I can buy something like this in your stores year round.
Or even if there is a sort of reject pile somewhere, full of chocolate deigned too rubbish, and too grown-up, and too boring. Full of small golden tins of joy and wonder, abandoned in favour of novelty shaped perspex.
I would place my tail between my legs, eat some humble pie, and apologise to this chocolate for my own ignorance, for judging it on appearance alone.
And then I would give you some money, take this chocolate, and enjoy many a happy tea break.
It would make me the happiest girl in all the land.
Mr Mark, or Mr Spencer, or Kirsty in customer services, or Colin the ruddy caterpillar, or whomever may read this, I hope the other complaints and enquiries you receive today are about somewhat more pressing matters.
Except, for this customer, there is no matter more pressing than this.
And so, I look forward to your response.